Connect: We Need Relationship
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Connect.
Imagine walking into a party where you know no one and have no known common ground, how do you feel? For some, like myself, you may have felt your heart rate rise in anxiety just reading that sentence. For others, like my husband, you probably responded with,"Okay. And then what?" because meeting and connecting with new people in new situations is a non-issue for you. Maybe you would have another response to that situation. Regardless, we each approach connection with differing expectations and experiences.
Whether we enjoy new connections or not, we all need connections in our lives especially as we navigate parenting.
Parenting is Hard
God knew parenting would not be easy, resulting in the need for connection with people who have more life experience as well as with peers to support us. During each season of parenting we need others to lean on for natural help, emotional strength, and camaraderie in the journey. Ecclesiastes shows us the power of connection:
"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he alls, for he has no one to help him up. Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; but how can one be warm alone? Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken." Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (New King James Version)
Although we need connection in every season of life, I believe parenting school-age children is a time we need connection more than any other time. God created us for relationship (see Genesis 1:28) but our current culture is often not conducive to connection.
The Family Connection
Historically necessary relationships were provided through the family unit. From the children of Israel who developed from one family to a nation to the Middle Ages, households were comprised much differently than they are today. In the Middle Ages, household would often include not just a married couple and their children, but other relatives, servants, and potentially those being taught by the family (Ancestry and Kinship: Household Structures). From the fifteenth to eighteenth centuries family structures began to differ by region and culture. In parts of Europe and throughout the world multi-generational households were common, but in other parts of Europe and North America the nuclear family became the focus of the household (Family Patterns). Today the family structure neither nuclear or multi-generational, but "is all over the place" (TIME Magazine).
The gradual transformation of the family unit has resulted in fewer connections when raising children. More families live greater distances from their relatives, the connection between generations is inconsistent and limited. But our need for connection has not changed.
Is Connection Possible?
We can easily see connection is necessary, but is it possible? In 2010 my family moved to California. I had a 4 year old, 3 year old, and 1 year old. We moved from a place where I had deep relational connections through family and friends, to a place where we had nearly no connections. In this move I had significant moments of loneliness (and I sometimes still do), but I have learned several things about finding connection.
- Connections require action on our part. We cannot passively sit and wait for someone to reach out to us, we need to put ourselves out there (yes, even in church at a women's group). Personally I struggle with this element of connection because sometimes it doesn't work out and I may be hurt. But I have learned relationship requires risk to step out and try to connect with others.
- Connections require time. Expecting immediate friendship is not possible. Sometimes there is an immediate bond, but that is definitely an exception to the norm. Deep connections are forged over time, and require us to be patient with the process.
- Connections in one season may look different than those from another season. We cannot place expectations from previous friendships on new ones, each connection and season is unique.
- Connections will not fulfill us. Yes, we need them but relationships cannot be our source of fulfillment. Our contentment must be found in Christ otherwise loneliness will perpetuate through the most social seasons of life.
One of the main places I have gained relationships in the past 14 years is through church and my boys' schools. From this experience I see the importance of schools providing times for parents and families to meet and form connections. If you are in a season where you are seeking more relationships, I would challenge you to come to school events with the goal of making new connections.
Parent-Led Initiatives
Some of you may feel that there are no opportunities to meet people in school or church. I would challenge you with the words of one of my pastors from Seattle, "If you see the need, maybe you are meant to fill it." Before you become frustrated or hurt, consider if there is a way you can help and provide solutions to problem you have identified. Often there is a desire for community in the school or church leadership, but there may be a limited capacity. I know very few leaders who would refuse an offer to from someone willing to plan and facilitate an uncomplicated way to connect people. And who knows, your willingness might unlock the door for life-long connections.