Talking to Your Kids About Identity, Gender, and Truth
Let's Talk About Sex
Let's not pretend that issues with sexuality are something new to this generation. Since the beginning of time people dealt with issues of sexuality and God's standards. Exodus, Leviticus, and Deuteronomy outline specific laws that are shocking if we consider the time they were written. Yet, they're in the Bible because it was something that needed to be corrected.
We have added new titles to issues of sexuality, but it is the same issues that were being dealt with during the time of Moses. I guess Solomon was right in Ecclesiastes, "...and there is nothing new under the sun" (Ecclesiastes 1:9, ESV). So if there is nothing new, God must have a standard for how to talk about sexuality and live in 2025.
My goal for this post is to point us to discovering truth from the Word of God and remove shame from talking about sex with our kids. Because although there is nothing new under the sun in regard to sexuality, there absolutely is new means of gaining information. If we do not talk with our kids about sexuality, someone else will. And it is likely that person won't say the same thing you would. We cannot shy away from the uncomfortable conversations.
Naked and Not Ashamed: Reclaim the Conversation
"Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled..." (Hebrews 13:4, ESV)
Before sin entered the world Adam and Eve walked throughout the garden naked and the Bible says that they were not ashamed (Genesis 2:25). When sin entered the world it perverted what was holy and created shame. As Christians we need to reclaim God's original design, the husband and wife were together and there was no shame. Sex in the parameters that God designed should be highly esteemed, and Godly conversations within the home should be open and honest, without shame for our children.
How and When to Talk About Sex with Your Children
Once we have established that sex is something that should be discussed within the family without shame, the biggest questions then become, when and how. As a new parent of three young boys I did lots of research to try and determine the "best" age to "talk about sex". The conclusion I came to is that every stage of a child's life requires a different type of conversation, I will do my best to outline how this worked for my family, but I recognize not all families have all children of the same gender and with ages so close together (the difference between by oldest and youngest is less than 3 years). So the conversations will look a little different for you, but the framework could be similar.
- Toddlers. From the time our boys were little we chose to use atomically correct terminology. This is definitely not essential, but worked for our family as my husband and I wanted to present the body and sexuality as factually as possible.
- Preschool/Kindergarten. To the surprise of many of my friends, we had our first "sex talk" with the boys between the ages of 4-6 (I think our youngest was there for the talk as well, but had no idea what was being discussed). Using some age appropriate materials recommended by our pastor (although possibly very outdated now, a link to those book is below in the resources there are several books for different stages), we read the books with the boys and answered their questions. We began and ended these conversations with telling the boys, "What we're talking about is something private and shouldn't be shared with your friends. You are free to ask any questions here with our family, but let's keep these questions within our family only." We found we only needed the first few and then the boys would just ask questions as they had them. I will truly never forget those moments because the questions they asked were hysterical.
- Early Elementary. We continued the conversations and did our best to keep an open dialogue in our home regarding sexuality.
- Late Elementary. As the boys entered 4th grade we began discussing puberty more frequently with them. Even utilizing movies like, Inside Out, we tried to use every opportunity to get ahead of the discussions and talk about puberty, what they were going to face and the emotions they may feel. For girls this conversation may need to happen earlier than boys, and we just need to stay aware and attentive as parents.
- Middle School. During the middle school years the physical transformation is significant, they enter as little kids and leave as teenagers. Our discussions shifted from the factual conversations to those of feelings, desires, and potential pit-falls (porn, sexting, online stalkers, etc). I remember in the first few middle school conversations hearing the boys make comments like, "That is ridiculous! No one would do that!" to later in their middle school years discussing some of the issues their friends were facing or things that had been said to them. In each of these conversations we did our best to emphasize no shame and God's grace.
- High School. As the boys entered high school, the conversations shifted to those directly related to their future. In each conversation our goal was to ask them, "What do you want for your life?" "What do you believe is God's best for you?" I have always felt it is vital to give teenagers a vision of what they want rather than a list of dos and don'ts. When they have established what they want before they're "in the heat of the moment" they are more likely to make a more good decision.
Talking about sex with our kids should be a lifelong conversation that grows and develops. It is never too late to start, but I recommend starting as early as possible because if we wait until body parts become "sexual" to discuss them, it can be more awkward. When we normalize talking about sex within the family, it creates a safe place to explore difficult conversations. The conversations we have had with the boys over the years were awkward to start some times. But many of them have become memories I will treasure as I have watched my boys learn to form Biblical standards for their lives through our open and honest dialogue.
What About Dating?
Like sex, dating is something better discussed before it becomes an issue. Helping our kids define the purpose of dating when they are young, helps then have a framework for making good decisions when they are older.
In third grade my oldest son came home and said some kids were making fun of him saying a particular girl in his class was his girlfriend. I asked him why they were saying that. He said the girl told him she liked him, then one of his friends asked if she was his girlfriend. My son said "yes" and the whole third grade class went crazy. I then asked what he meant by saying she was his girlfriend and he said, "she's a girl and she's my friend." While trying to suppress my laugh, I then went on to explain what his friends thought he was saying, and he was like, "No way! I don't want to marry her like you and dad." This conversation was the catalyst to our first family discussion on dating.
Beginning from this third grade conversation (and many many more conversations), we began asking the boys two questions:
- What is the purpose of dating?
- How do you know when you are ready?
The first question was easy for our entire family. We all agreed that the purpose of dating is to see if you could maybe marry the person someday. The second question was not so cut and dry. In the earlier conversations the boys always went back to, "I am no where near getting married, so I have no reason to date." As they entered high school they began to feel as though they were "ready" to date.
This was (and is) still something my husband and I are navigating together. At first it was a bit of a struggle as I grew up in a youth ministry where we all chose not to date in high school, while my husband grew up in one where dating was acceptable -- so we entered with two separate ideas of what we thought best. As discussions were brought up with the boys, my husband and I would have private conversations about how we want to approach this. Ultimately we decided that we would not restrict the boys from "dating" in high school but helped them create some guidelines.
- Before they could ask a girl to be their girlfriend, they needed to ask permission from the girl's father. If he was not available, the girl's mother.
- Before they could be alone with the girl, they had to establish physical boundaries both they and the girl agree to. The boundaries were also given to my husband for them to talk through together. The boundaries included things like,
- When it would be okay to have a first kiss? And after that what were their boundaries regarding kissing (we recommended they take a strong stance of no laying down).
- Would they be alone? How long? Where? (Side note, we have a rule in our house that there are no girls upstairs alone with a boy)
- What was okay to talk about with each other?
- Where was okay to touch each other?
- What would they do if they crossed a boundary?
- They needed to find a male leader at church to be accountable to as well as my husband.
- Any dates would be paid for with their own money. And to the best of our ability we told our sons as the man, they should pay.
- We made sure the boys know they are always welcome to come to our home and bring anyone to our home and we will feed them.
What About LGBTQ+?
LGBTQ+ is such a hot button topic right now. Inclusion, gender affirmations, pronouns, and the like are bombarding our children. Unlike discussing sex and dating at an early age, I believe these topics should not be introduced until later as it can be confusing for younger children.
Because we had established open conversation with our sons, they were the first to ask us about homosexuality and some of the other topics friends had brought up. Any time I am faced with a "hot topic" discussion with my kids, the question I like to ask first is, "That's interesting. What do you think about that?" I feel approaching sensitive subjects this way helps teach my children two things:
- I can ask this. Not over- or under-reacting removes any shame from questions our kids have. It also tells our kids that we are welcoming their question and feedback. One of my favorite stories regarding a great parent response is from my sister. In 6th grade my sister came home from school and said to my mom, "Mom, I looked at a girl in my class today and thought she was pretty. Am I a lesbian?" My mom simply replied, "Oh no, honey. You were just recognizing beauty." My mom did not shut her down, but she also didn't take it to an extreme; she eased my sister's concern and answered her question.
- This is how I should respond to others. Our kids will encounter lots of people throughout their lives with very different opinions. If we teach them not to instantly respond with opinion but instead to ask questions, they will learn how to better relate with others with like and unlike beliefs.
Our goal in any of these conversations is always to lead our kids back to, "What does the Bible say about this?" It is likely that the first few times they may not know so we need to help them discover what God says. This is a great opportunity to take the conversation a little deeper and discover Biblical truth. As parents it is not our job to create robots, but it is our job to shape thinking.
Embrace the Conversation
As parents we need to embrace the conversation. Start early and don't shy away from the uncomfortable moments. Be open, honest, and authentic -- our children can tell when we're tying to hide things and they will often pull away when they sense that. We need to reclaim the conversation with Biblical truth, and not allow culture to dictate what our children believe.
Resources:
Why Boys and Girls Are Different -- "Why Boys and Girls are Different (Ages 3-5)" is the first book in the Learning about Sex Series (6 book series, one for girls and one for boys) that we used to introduce topics to our boys. We only ended up using "Why Boys and Girls are Different (Ages 3-5)" and "Where Do Babies Come From? (Ages 6-8)".
Kicking Off the Sex Talk by Axis -- Axis is a great resource for parents. This article is on discussing sex, with your child but there are hundreds of articles on topics from social media to current slang.
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