Unfollow the Chaos (Part 2)

Unfollow the Chaos (Part 2)

As parents we have primary responsibility in guiding our children. Two ways we do this is through deliberate choices in our example and in our family allowances. Instead of allowing culture to dictate our actions, we should be purposeful in our planning.

For Your Family

1. Our Example

"And you should imitate me, just as I imitate Christ." 1 Corinthians 11:1 (NLT)

In 1 Corinthians 11 Paul tells the church at Corinth to imitate him as he follows Christ. As the leader of that church, Paul is showing us that when we lead we are an example for those under our leadership. We can use this same principle as leaders in our home. As parents and guardians it is our responsibility to lead our families by our example. We should examine ourselves and ask what our actions are telling our children to imitate. Consider these questions,

• How often do I get on my phone to escape?
• How much unnecessary time do I spend on screens?
• Do I prioritize time with my family over technology?

Please don't let this point make you feel defeated or inadequate, because none of us will be a flawless example. We should not require perfection from our children or ourselves, but we should continually be led, and lead our family, toward better habits.

2. Our Family

"Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." Proverbs 22:6 (ESV)

The Bible continually reinforces that it is a parent's responsibility to train their children. This includes technology. This may offend some, but the Bible is clear that boundaries should be formed through the prayerful guidance of parents and not the immature demands of children. Children should not be disregarded and abused through the boundaries set by the parent; parents should provide loving guidelines for the benefit of their children. These boundaries provide a framework for children to build healthy habits on.

Boundaries for Technology 

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven" Ecclesiastes 3:1 (ESV) 

Boundaries are essential for the healthy development of our children; and should enhance the times and seasons of a child's life. There are times and seasons in a child's life, each one with different needs and abilities. We must recognize the season and establish appropriate guidance for our family. 

As parents we must examine each season and set time limits, phone limits, and protections to safeguard and guide our children.

1. Time Limits

One of the major areas of disagreement between children and parents is how much time is acceptable for children to be on screens and when to turn screens off. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry recommends the following guidelines,

• Screen time from 0 to 18 months should only be for video chatting with an adult.
• 18-24 months should be limited to educational programs with an adult.
• Children 2-5 years old could be allowed a limit up to 1 hour of non-educational screen time per weekday and 3 hours on weekends.
• Children 6 years and older should limit activities that include screens and clear time limits should be established.
• Screens should be off for family meals and activities.
• Screens should not be used to pacify or supervise children.
• Screens should be turned off and removed from bedrooms 30-60 minutes before bedtime.

As parents we must set realistic limitations that are livable for our family. Extreme limitations often result in inconsistent follow through and breed confusion.

If your children are older (preteen and older) and you are setting limitations for the first time, bring them into the conversation. Discuss with them research findings and explain the desire to create better habits as a family. Then together consider what limitations would be beneficial, but let them know that ultimately the decision will be determined by the parents. You may be surprised at the insight your child has.

2. Phone Limits

Another area of contention is when to get your child a cell phone. Although each family faces different circumstances, that may or may not require the child to have access to their own phone, below are general recommendations for giving your child a phone. 

• Several groups of experts recommend waiting to give your child a smart phone until they are 14 years old (Child Mind Institute, Social Awakening).
• If a phone is necessary and the child is younger than 14 years, it is recommended to provide a phone that does not have access to games, social media, or internet. Gabb phones are an excellent option for younger children.
• Create clear guidelines regarding the use of the phone, including time of day and privacy. My go-to phrase when addressing any phone issues with my children is, "My bill. My phone." Until my children pay for their device and their bill, I have every right to access anything on the device.
• Place phones to charge in a location outside of the children's bedroom. In our home, all phones are brought to the parent's room at night to charge.
• Set guidance for when friends are over. Will phones be turned in? In our home any middle school sleepovers required all phones to be turned in before going to bed. As our children went into high school, they were allowed to keep phones with them since they were often playing group games.
• Consider your individual child's responsibility level. Do they lose things frequently? Are they able to be responsible with their words? Do they respond well to screen limits?
• Consider your child's social awareness and any behavioral concerns. Do they struggle with impulse control? Do they understand social cues well?
• Some research has shown that children with ADHD may have difficulties with overuse in regard to phones (Child Mind Institute).

Phone limitations and guidelines are never something children are fond of. As my own children have grown they have become more aware of the value of these limitations; and one time they almost thanked us for the limitations.

3. Protections

Setting up protections for your family could be a full-time job. Technology is constantly changing, and as I have learned from the high schoolers I know, there is nearly always a way around it. Ask most young people if there is a way to get around a parental control, and if they are honest they will show you go arounds for parental controls. This does not mean parental controls should not be utilized, but as parents we must recognize an app alone cannot fully protect our children. Below are several recommendations to help guard your children from unwanted issues with technology.

• Ongoing Conversations - The most important thing we can do for our children is to have ongoing discussions with our children on digital safety. These discussions are vital to teaching them the importance of protecting themselves. Areas to discuss include: the reality of social media, dangers in interacting with unknown people, what cyber bullying is, and what to do in various situations they may face. Ongoing discussions are essential for maintaining safety.
• Purchases - Use discretion in what games and apps that are purchased for your children. Error on the side of caution. 
• App Limits - Set limitations on time and time of day for various apps on phones, gaming consoles, computers, and televisions.
• Parental Control Tools - Utilize protective content monitoring programs like Bark for monitoring conversations, games, and videos your child accesses. Please note, Bark does not work for all operating systems.

Our role as parents should be to protect our children and preserve their innocence to the best of our ability. One way we are able to do this is to secure devices with built in protections, but also and likely most importantly, through conversations and discussions training our children to think critically and self-manage.

Our family is truly the most incredible gift we have been given. This holiday season we can unfollow chaos through purposeful planning and guidelines.