When and What to Fight For

There are moments, words, and memories that have forever change us. Some of the most memorable character-building moments in my life involve my parents.

I will never forget my mom yelling out the open window while dropping me off for school saying, "Katie, be kind and tenderhearted!" I remember thinking she was ridiculous and that I was plenty kind already (which, in all honesty, I was not). But my mom's words over my morning have stuck with me to this day. I can still hear her voice in my head reminding me of the words of Ephesians 4:32, "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." (ESV). My mom knew me and knew the relationship challenges I would likely face (because I pretty much had them every day.

This verse has become a theme in my life. I pray daily that I will be kind and tenderhearted, that I would see others and forgive as Christ has done for me. My mom's words over 35 years ago (and the Scripture they are from) continue to speak to me every day.

As parents we have that power in the lives of our children. We have the ability to speak life and develop Godly character in our kids every day. But often times it is not convenient and can be extremely challenging.

Fight the Good Fight

"Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called and about which you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses." (1 Timothy 6:12, ESV)

As parents there is a fight that God has called us to on behalf of our children. We must fight for them, for their character development, and for their growth. But this does not always look the way we think. Like me, at some point in time your children have probably come home from school saying some was "mean" to them or a certain teacher was "unfair". And like me, your first reaction is to have a desire to go handle this situation for your child, because no one is allowed to hurt my child.

God designed us with these instincts to protect and nurture, and they are not bad. But we are not only here to fight for our kids, but for their growth and development.

Recently there has been a lot of talk around building resilience in children. Resilience is "the ability to adapt to adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or even significant sources of stress" (American Psychological Association). Resilience has been shown to help us better handle stress, anxiety, and uncertainty (American Psychological Association). Resilience is something we have to help our children build through not avoiding challenges (and even trauma) they may encounter, but walking through how to best handle those situations.

Own It

If I can be so bold, as parents we have a tendency to avoid pain for our children at all costs. I am not talking about physical pain, but emotional pain. Instead of having our children face the situation confronting them and teaching them how to own their part and overcome adversity, we rescue them from pain and place the blame on someone else. Instead of avoiding, we need to teach our children how to "own  it".

I'll give you an example from my experience parenting. I will never forget the day when one of my sons was in 5th grade and he came home and started weeping. For a long time he wouldn't tell me what was going on but finally confessed that he was being bullied and that everyone in his class was awful. I did my best to stay calm and comfort my son, before going into my closet and crying myself because I was furious at those kids. After I calmed down, I asked my son if he wanted me to do anything about it and he said no, so I stuffed my rage inside and secretly resented those kids for a long time.

The next year, I had those students in my classroom. And what I discovered shocked me. They were not mean to my son, my son was rude and unkind to them so eventually they gave up and came back at him with unkindness. When I confronted my son about it, he could not see it. It was at that moment that I realized my son was lacking self-awareness and compassion which was causing him to struggle with resilience. He did not know how to see and own the part he played in relationships with his classmates.

When confronting my son's struggle, I reflected on being that age and how my parents handled these situations. I would get so angry with my mom because when I came home with a complaint about a teacher or friend, my mom would listen to my story and then ask, "What part did you play?" It threw me into a rage because in my mind I had done nothing (just like my son believed). But after sorting through the events I was able to realize and own my role -- the teacher asked me to be quiet because I kept talking to my neighbor after being reminded several times what I should be doing, and that friend didn't want to play with me at recess because I told them that I wouldn't be their friend unless they did what I said. I began to realize, I had a part to play.

From that time on we began to work on increasing our son's awareness and sense of personal responsibility. I did not want my son to continue to see himself as the victim, but instead to learn how to own what he was responsible for and not be a victim. I want him to stand up for what is true and as much as possible maintain an accurate view of those around him.

Fight for Their Character

As a principal I have seen similar scenarios played out from kindergarten through middle school. As parents it is our job to fight to protect our children from legitimate evil (bullying and abuse should not be tolerated), but we also want to help our children learn to be resilient in challenge and take personal responsibility. Too often we want to blame others (like I wanted to blame my son's classmates) and label it as bullying when we do not have the complete picture of the situation.

Our role as parents is to help develop our children's character. Teaching them to avoid challenges and shift blame does not develop resilience, self-awareness, and responsibility. Instead of fighting the kids in the class or the school, let's fight for Godly character to be developed in our children. Just like the words I still hear in my head that my mom shouted out the window every day at me, we have the power to create life-long lessons for our kids in how and what we fight for. Our kids need to know that we 100% love them, we 100% want the very best for them, and we 100% won't allow them to be less than God has created them to be. Let's stop fighting what we can't control in the lives of our kids, and fight for who they are becoming.